This is Part 1 of a three part series about surrounding your family with the best possible people, media, and school environment
There are moments in our lives that impact who we become. People change our minds, influence us, and help us. In both positive and negative ways. Movies and books can make us soul search and reconsider things we thought we knew. Social media can influence us to make decisions we might not have made if we had stayed logged off. Experiences shape who we are, the very fabric of our being.
As a parent, I think about this often. I think about how easily I can be influenced on Instagram (so I stay off of it). I think about how my feelings can be hurt and make me feel like I should change something about myself because of someone else’s opinion of me. I think about how books I read make me consider a new point of view. But mostly I think that if I am this plastic in my thoughts, how must my children be influenced by what they’re surrounded by and WHO they are surrounded by.
Lately I have been questioning our IRL inner circle. If you’ve been a subscriber here for a bit, you know that I didn’t come from a happy childhood. I have worked hard to cut down on negative people in my life. Sometimes, it’s lonely. But most of the time, my husband and I are content with the few quality people we have and we never regret our choice to cut out the poison. There are people from my family that will never meet my children. And as a mother who is protecting my children I find this to be completely acceptable.
I have come to the conclusion that newcomers have to earn a spot in our world. If they can’t hang, I don’t allow them to stick around. I am uncompromising in my protectiveness in my kids. As all parents should be.
So how do we filter people who are in our lives? How do we make friends?
The truth is, that I have always had an easy time making friends and my husband is a lone wolf. He would be content just talking to people online and having very few friends IRL. I am not that way. I thrive off of friendship. My eldest daughter loves making friends. She constantly tells me, “maybe I can make a friend there!” It’s not that we don’t make friends, we constantly meet people. It’s that the ones we choose to become close to, to have over to our home, to meet up with regularly must meet some basic requirements. We have a few, close friends.
What I Look For in Long-Term Friends
They must value marriage as we do. I will not have my daughters influenced by others who do not value marriage as a sacred pact. If they don’t love, respect, and cherish their spouse, the one person they should be devoted to above all else, then there is no way they are going to value me, my family, and my children.
The mother must be a stay-at-home mom. I just can’t relate to a working mom. It’s about values and availability.
I also shy away from single moms. I understand this is a hot button topic, but our family values are incredibly strong and solid. I don’t want my girls growing up thinking single motherhood is a fine thing.
Homeschooling is a definite bonus. They understand why it’s important to us, they’re available for field trips and play dates, and I don’t have to convince them that homeschooling is the way (though I have done this with current friends). A bonus, but not a requirement.
They parent similarly to us. I will not be friends with someone who spanks their kids. I will not abide someone who beats their children and yes, this includes spanking. I need to know that the parent that my kids will be around has similar parenting ideals as me. It doesn’t have to be the same, but the basics need to be there.
They are a health conscious family. Yes, this is that important to me. There is not much that is more frustrating to me at a play date than a mismatch in health priorities. The snacks need to be healthy because I don’t want to have the conversation about why we can’t eat the junk food every time we get together. PS: explaining to your kid why her friend’s parents are unhealthy and fat (when they ask…and they will) is hard to explain. What’s harder is when your kid repeats it in front of that person. FYI.
My kids must want to know their kids better and play with them more. If it’s not a good fit, we don’t proceed.
How I Filter
Once we establish that we would like to get to know a family better, we take things slowly. Play dates at a neutral spots, or their house (depending). If we met at a group function or at church, we just get together there for a little while and see where it leads. I see if my above boxes get ticked. If a lot of them do, maybe we’ll have a play date at our home. If things go well on the play dates, we do more of them. And hopefully friendship grows between me and the mother and my kids and hers. If not, that’s okay too and we don’t proceed.
What Happens When Things Change?
I have a friend that was really promising at the beginning. Kids my kid’s ages, very interested in homeschooling, trying to be healthier, married, and had just quit her job to be a stay-at-home mom. Wow, I thought. She is really trying! We became close, very quickly. At first, her kids played well with mine.
As time went on, I found out her husband had cheated. Damn. Then they stopped trying to get healthy. Strike 2. They don’t parent much like us. Strike 3. She tried doing 2 days of homeschooling preschool with her kids and gave up. My kids stopped enjoying time with their kids and would end up frustrated after many of our interactions (as would I). It was the icing on the cake. Everything seemed to just drop off one at a time. I had tried discussing it with her, for her kid’s sake, but she’s not willing to try to improve it and I realized it was fruitless. Her kids are enrolled in preschool now and that takes some of the pressure off since we’re a busy family and they’re not around much. I have slowly stopped communicating with them as much and it’s coming to a natural fizzle. And, you know what? THAT’S OKAY. Life is like that.
People come into your life for a certain amount of time. Sometimes it’s long, sometimes it’s short. I use this as an opportunity to teach my kids this. I tell them that our families don’t have very many things in common. It doesn’t make them bad people or a bad family. It just doesn’t work for us. We can be nice to them when we see them. They can still play, if they’d like, when they’re around but we no longer make an effort. My kids learn that it’s okay to say no to people. It’s okay to guard what THEY want instead of trying to please everyone. We don’t have to keep getting together with someone because we’re afraid of making them feel bad. We can honor what our family needs. This is an important lesson.
What if it’s Really Incompatible?
I have a close family member who is an alcoholic, a smoker, and an abuser. I made the very difficult choice to estrange myself from this person many years ago. It was the healthiest choice I ever made for myself and for my family. Some people cannot do this, though they should. It’s so hard. I still think about this person often and wish things could have been different. The fact of the matter is, they’re not. And it is my duty to protect my children from people like this.
If someone who wasn’t a part of your family was abusing your children, you would immediately separate yourself from them. Just because someone is bound by blood does not give them free access to your kids. Period. Behave or GTFO.
If a perceived friend is proven to be really incompatible or you’ve met someone you just know isn’t a good fit, don’t allow them into your private life. Don’t invite them to your house. Politely decline invitations. It’s okay to say no. If you see this person regularly, like at church, be polite, be kind, but you don’t have to be close.
Navigating Family
So you have some family members who aren’t like-minded. We do. We love them. They’re good people. They just don’t see this whole parenting thing the same way we do. It’s not enough to not let them in, because they love us and our kids.
So here’s what we do. We explain to our children that our families have different values. That it’s okay, but we are still going to live our lives in the way we think is best for our kids and our family. We can still care about, love, and respect those other extended family members.
We don’t see those family members often, but when we do, we try to relax our boundaries a little. Mainly when it comes to late bedtimes, snack choices, and screen time. We think the love is more important here. We think the bond our kids can make is more important.
It may seem a little like I’m contradicting myself here, but this is a gray area. I think in very black and white terms, typically. But since these family members are largely a positive force in our lives (unlike the very negative abusive one) I let some of my standards slide. I have had to learn to let go a bit here, and I’m good with it.
What Matters to You?
You should evaluate the people in your life and consider whether they are having a net positive effect or a net negative effect on you, your family culture, and your kids. Maybe you don’t mind unhealthy snacks on a regular basis. Maybe you can get along with a working mom. Maybe you’re more flexible than I am. Or maybe you have another thing that you look for in a family friend (I would love to hear what it is!).
The point is this: who we surround our kids with MATTERS. Who we allow access to our children is IMPORTANT. You have to decide what is important to YOU. This is my take on it. Yours might look different, it probably does. AND THAT’S OKAY. We all parent differently. This is what we do, what we look for, and what we allow in our family.