When I was a new mom, in survival mode, I would often crash on the couch with my husband after we got our baby down for bed. We were exhausted, caring for a newborn, as first time parents. Our little cherub had colic, too, so our nights were not peaceful.
After our second was born, we fell into the same pattern of plopping on the couch to “unwind” and “relax” without doing anything that actually felt rejuvenating. Often this looked like watching some dumb TV show, or scrolling social media, so we could tune out and not think about anything after a long day at the office and a long day as a mom.
I know a lot of parents, new and more experienced, fall into this pattern of absorbing television or social media during their “me” time. That they feel like they need that time to just turn their brains off. I get it.
Let’s Evaluate
Why do you feel like you need to zone out?
If you find yourself in this rut of working hard during the day and crashing in the evening, it’s time to change something. You owe it to yourself.
Sleep
Are you getting enough sleep? It can be hard to prioritize this when you have a new baby, but it is important to make this an important part of your day. If you’re not getting enough sleep, instead of zoning out on social media for hours after your Cherub goes to sleep, try turning it off and going to bed earlier. You will feel better and maybe less like you need those hours to zone out.
Are you nourishing and hydrating yourself properly? These things are important! Especially if you’re nursing. Eating enough of the right foods and drinking enough mineral rich drinks and water will help your energy throughout the day and help you sleep better at night.
How much coffee are you consuming and when? Try to cut the coffee off by noon. I know you’re tired, but drinking coffee into the afternoon hours will impede good sleep later that night. Your sleep is more important than caffeine. Another tip: drink coffee AFTER you eat breakfast. And NO coffee is not a meal.
After Baby’s Bedtime
Once you’re not in survival mode and not sleep deprived, you might enjoy the glorious after bedtime hours more. You may still want to glue your face to a screen, but I would encourage you to try to be more productive with your time.
Screen Time
There is a time and place for screen time with our children, but I find the same to be true for us as adults as well. Screen time is addictive for everyone! I still enjoy chatting with my friends on Twitter and catching up on the latest parenting/homesteading/slow living on Instagram, but I have learned to set a cap on the time I spend on it. I put my phone away around 7:30 each night, which is 30 min after my Cherubs are in bed. This was a hard boundary I had to set for myself! And it took time to implement.
Some Tips
I do not sleep with my phone in my room.
I plug in my phone to charge at my desk, in another room, out of sight and mind.
I set a night light on my phone, so the screen turns red when I don’t want the blue light anymore. It also reminds me to put it away.
Putting your phone away well before bedtime will lessen your blue light exposure, helping you sleep better.
Spending Time Wisely
I’m not saying you have to come up with super productive ways to spend your time after your kids go to bed. But this IS your “me” time. Do something that makes you feel good! Social media doesn’t do that.
Some ways to take care of you:
Go to bed on time. Sleep really makes a difference in my mood. If I am tired, I will sacrifice my “me” time and go to bed early so I start the next day well rested and fresh.
One of the things that helped to pull my husband and I out of our couch plopping survival mode was making intentional time to sit down and talk to each other. We took time each night after the Cherubs were in bed to really check in with each other. It helped us to reconnect after becoming new parents and strengthened our marriage.
You could workout if you feel like that is something you want to do without your kids around. If you don’t already implement your fitness with your kids. Maybe you’d enjoy some light bedtime yoga.
You could enjoy a mini spa session and put a mask on and massage your hands with lotion. Or paint your nails. Take a bath.
You could read an actual book! I read every night before I fall asleep. It really helps to ease my mind, calms me, and helps me unwind. I read real paper books, so no screens before bed.
You could learn a new hobby. Something simple like crocheting or something you have had your heart set on but haven’t found the time to do.
You could take your baby monitor outside with you and watch the sunset.
Have sex. This should go without saying, but an orgasm will ONLY help you feel better about life.
Work on a project. This one might not be for everyone, but I find that if I can do a home project relatively quietly after bedtime, I enjoy it more even if it’s a consuming project. I painted the inside of my house this way. After the Cherubs were in bed, I got to painting. It wasn’t fun, but the kids weren’t all up in my business and I felt really accomplished getting a big project done. And I wasn’t stressed about it in the midst of doing it.
Intentionally watch a TV show or movie you love or really want to see. I’m not against all screen time. My husband and I will watch a TV show or movie if we’re really excited about it. But we don’t watch shows for the sake of watching them anymore. We also turn the TV off well before bedtime and we don’t have a TV in our bedroom.
Work on your wifi money/side hustle/business. This is a great time to work on your sovereignty! Make sure you prioritize your sleep so you are still functional in the morning.
What I Don’t Advocate
Drinking
I know for a lot of parents that having a glass of wine or a beer after the kids go to bed can feel relaxing. But I will argue that it’s not a healthy way to unwind. We did this for a while and I didn’t sleep as well, started gaining weight, and it left me listless for anything else productive. So we’d have a drink and zone out on TV. I feel much better not having a drink every night.
Chores
Unless it absolutely can’t wait until tomorrow, I don’t do chores after my kids go to bed. This is my “me” time after all! If it can wait until tomorrow, I DO NOT stress about it. Because you know what? It'll still be there, waiting for you, in the morning. Spend your time taking care of yourself. For the record, I clean my kitchen before my kids go to bed.
Filling Your Cup
You are an important part of your family. Whether you’re a mom or a dad reading this. Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of the rest of your family. To be cliche, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
My challenge to you
I challenge you to evaluate what you do after your kids go to bed or whenever your “me” time happens to be. Are you productive, doing something that makes you feel fulfilled, taken care of, enriched? Or are you stuck in the same pattern we were as surviving first time parents?
Even if you’re still in that survival mode, I challenge you to find something small that you can do for yourself.
Don’t spend all of your “me” time zoning out. You’re doing yourself a disservice!
Try it and let me know what you think.