When thinking about kids playing, it seems like a natural thing. But many parents know all too well that kids don’t always have a natural knack for play. Some don’t or won’t play by themselves or with siblings. Some kids won’t play with friends or venture too far from home base (mom or dad) while out in public, even if you know they really want to play.
I have a kid like this. I am here to tell you…it’s fine. There is nothing wrong with your kid. There are some ways that you can help to foster play in your children though.
One of my daughters loves meeting new friends and playing with any kid. My other daughter is more cautious, observant, and yes, hesitant to play with other kids. She’s what we refer to as “slow to warm” and we honor that personality trait in her, just as we honor her sister’s more extroverted nature.
Why Play is Important
Play is an essential part of childhood. But WHY? Play allows kids to explore their world and learn from it. Even when they play by themselves, they’re learning. This is a time for children to role play, socialize, experiment, wonder, explore, and so much more. They learn from their experiments, their failures, their imaginations.
For Example:
A young child who plays in mud might figure out that her feet make a squelching sound when she lifts them. She will learn that her feet get messy in mud. She’ll discover the texture, smell, maybe taste, and temperature of that mud. An older child might notice the different components of the mud, discover that some mud is drier than other mud, could see that maybe some bugs live in that mud. Even though it’s just mud, children of all ages can learn so much from a simple thing by playing in it.
What is Free-Play?
Free-play, or autonomous play, is when a child or children play at something that interests them, that they enjoy, without the help or interference of an adult.
Do I Need to Always Play with My Child?
No! In fact, when children play autonomously or with other children WITHOUT the interference of an adult, they actually have the opportunity to learn more. When we come in with our preconceived notions of play or try to re-write what their imaginations have come up with, we hinder learning. We change the play. Kids NEED to free-play.
What About Only Children?
Solo play is a good thing, too, for all kids. Even if you have multiple children in your home, that doesn’t mean they’ll play together 100% of the time. Children, even when from families with siblings, need time to play autonomously. It’s good for their development. This is not something we need to force or make happen. For a variety of reasons, be it age, interest, personalities, schedules, etc, there will be time for all children to have free-play without a buddy. Children who come from families without siblings can free-play with peers or friends.
Fostering Autonomous Play
Don’t Interrupt
The number one thing that has worked for us is NOT INTERRUPTING play time. When my kids are playing solo or with each other, I stay OUT of it! As long as it’s safe and everybody is mostly happy, I get stuff done around the house, work out, take a shower, etc. I will even go as far as delaying our homeschooling if we’re having a peaceful morning of playtime. The relationship my kids build during these play sessions is more valuable to me than practicing reading or writing.
If fighting starts, I try to interject as little as possible, and let them get back to their play time.
Find Time Everyday for Play
We have a pretty consistent rhythm to our days, so play time is predictable in our home. Mornings are usually pretty open for some nice play time and my girls know this. They fall right into playing easily during this time. Late afternoon/early evening (aka when I’m cooking dinner) is also a free-play time until Daddy is off of work. The consistency in our flow helps my children feel comfortable because they know what they can do during these times: play.
Try to consistently fit play into your day at least once per day, everyday. Over time, this should help encourage your kids to play.
Start Small and Hold the Boundary
If your kids are resistant to playing alone, or always ask you to play too, start with small chunks of time for them to free-play. I have done this and said to my children, “right now my job is to start this sourdough loaf. Your job is to play. When I am done we can play together.” Then I hold the boundary. If you find that when you’re done with your task your child is playing nicely, don’t interrupt that! Stay close by until your kid is ready to play with you and keep your word.
Here’s the deal. Real life dictates that you’re not always going to be available to play with your kids. There are chores to do, meals to cook, maybe other kids to take care of. That’s life. And it’s okay. Our kids don’t need to have us play with them all the time. If you’re not available to play with them at that moment, kindly explain that to them and hold the boundary. The more you do this, the more they’ll understand that you’re serious and that play is their job. BUT you must follow through on playing with them when you are available, too. Kids need to know we mean what we say when we make promises, even when it’s disappointing.
Sometimes, it may be helpful to set a timer with a kid that has a really hard time with free-play. “In five minutes I will play with you.” Set the timer and play with your kid when it goes off.
Over time, increase the small chunks of time to larger ones.
Playing Away From Home
My youngest daughter has always preferred to stay close to me when we’re in public. She is what some people might describe as “shy” but I don’t refer to her that way because her feeling of “nervousness” does not define who she is.
When we are out and about, I look for opportunities for her to join in play and will ask her things like, “would you like to go play with Sissy and her friend or stay with me?” or “the slide is open now if you would like a turn.”
I find that when I honor how she is feeling and acknowledge when she’s feeling nervous, it makes her feel more comfortable in the setting. This usually sounds like this: “I can see you’re feeling a little nervous. You can stay with me until you feel ready to go play.” Then I let her quietly observe. If she wants me to go explore something with her, I will. Eventually she warms up and plays well around or with the other kids.
This has improved as she’s gotten older. She definitely prefers to be able to see me at all times when we’re out.
If you try to force your kid to play, it will backfire. FYI.
Some Tips About Toys
One of the things I have always felt strongly about is the quality of our toys. Personally, I loathe anything that has batteries, flashing lights, and loud sounds. I would rather listen to my children pretend and make the sounds themselves anyways.
We have mostly “open ended” toys in our home. This means that all of the toys we have have more than one purpose or function. Our toys are not “one and done” kinds of toys that you can only do one thing with.
For Example:
We have a little toy farm. It has served as a farm, a house, and a zoo. My kids hide toys of all kinds in it. Dinosaurs, farm animals, toy people. They have built cities up around it with blocks. It’s an imagination station if you ask me. (Now, before you ask, because I’m going to post a photo with it in there, it is supposed to have batteries in it. I never installed them and my children don’t know it’s supposed to make noise).
Rotating Toys
If your home is anything like ours, you have too many toys. Well meaning friends and family love to give gifts, but eventually there are just TOO MANY TOYS. Here is what I do. I rotate our toys every six months. I keep about a quarter of them in totes in our garage.
When I notice my kids aren’t playing well with the current toys they have out, I evaluate. Are there too many toys out (this can discourage play as the choices can be overwhelming) or are they bored with their options?
When I decide to do the swap, I almost always put away (or donate) more than I bring out. Win-win. There are a few things that are constant in our house. The toy kitchen (though I swap items in the kitchen), the barn, and something with which to build.
Some Things For You, Parents
There is no reason to feel guilty about the amount of time your kids play without you. Remember, play is essential to their development and this includes autonomous play, especially. Take the time to get a break, get some work done, or to take care of you.
If you don’t enjoy playing with your kids, I hear you. And there is no reason to feel guilt over this, either. Adults are not wired for playing, especially playing pretend. Remember, “playing is the work of the CHILD.”
There are so many ways to connect with your kids. Some of my favorites are reading, having a conversation, schooling, cooking, art, getting out in nature, cuddling, puzzles, games, and occasionally, playing pretend too.
Sometimes kids just want to be around you, even if you’re not playing with them. It’s okay to have them playing with their toys near you if it makes you all feel more comfortable. My kids’ play kitchen is IN my kitchen for this reason. But, as we read last week, it’s awesome to get them working with you in the kitchen, too.