When a baby is breastfed, they have control over how much food they eat. If you’ve ever tried, or your wife has, you know you cannot force feed a breast fed baby. If they don’t want to eat, they won’t. They control how much and for the most part, when they eat.
This does not hold true for bottle fed babies. It is easy to force feed a bottle fed baby, and you can probably see why. Formula or pumped milk flows pretty freely from the nipple and right into baby. We can see how much baby has had and get our own minds wrapped into how much is enough.
Autonomy with eating starts from day one. But it’s never too late to give your kids autonomy with their food.
A Little Background
Food and kids is something I have thought about A LOT. My sister had an eating disorder that nearly killed her when we were teens. It shook me to my core. I honestly think she is the reason I never developed one myself.
As I’ve grown older and become a mom, I think about that time of our childhood a lot. My mom (not hers) would control my food so much. I wasn’t allowed to have a snack without asking, even into my older teen years. She was so worried I would gain weight, I think. She was constantly concerned about her weight. Interestingly my sister’s mom was too. But she took her worries into fad diet after fad diet. But she didn’t restrict my sister’s eating at all, if anything she tried to overfeed her. She bought her whatever she wanted at the store. When we were with my dad, he did the same. Nobody taught us about food though. Because they, themselves, didn’t know anything.
I think it’s very interesting how both of our moms had similar concerns, but approached our eating in very different ways. My sister’s mom does not cook. Mine did. My mom didn’t buy junk food, but hers did. My mom tried to control it all, hers didn’t. I guess you could say that because I didn’t develop a life threatening eating disorder, my mom did the better job. But, I disagree. I think they both came from a place that lacked knowledge. Both my sister and I are very knowledgeable about food today. We have both studied it extensively and landed in almost the same place when it comes to how we think about food. We learned it the hard way and are passing down our knowledge to our kids today.
It Begins at the Beginning
Regardless of whether kids are breastfed or bottle fed, most babies start eating solid foods around 6 months. If you’re not a breastfeeding mother (or your wife isn’t), introduction to solid food is an excellent place to start teaching your babies about autonomy with eating. If you are breastfeeding, your baby already has autonomy with eating and I encourage you to continue allowing this freedom.
My husband and I chose to do Baby Led Weaning. I HIGHLY recommend this method of introducing foods. Do your own research, and I recommend reading the actual book and not just looking online at information. I did both. I also recommend you get familiar with infant CPR and how to help a choking infant. Disclaimer, we have never had to use these skills. Never. Our babies gagged, but didn’t ever choke on their food. BUT knowing these skills prior to starting solid foods is just good practice. Also, knowing these skills as a parent in general is wise. It was a way to ease my mind when my first started eating solid foods and I was worried about her choking.
Benefits of Baby Led Weaning
One of the reasons I loved this method of solid food introduction is because it starts with real food straight out of the gate. No baby purees, no pouches, no mushed up things that don’t taste like any real food in nature. Baby food mixtures fool baby taste buds. Trust me, a pear is enough to awaken taste buds in your baby. It doesn’t need to be mixed with 3 other fruits to taste good.
Another reason that Baby Led Weaning is great for autonomy is that you’re never going to feed your baby from a spoon. You give your baby solid foods that they explore and feed themselves.
Your baby learns what he or she likes, eats all that they want (or don’t) and then that’s that. There is no force feeding, expectations, or guarantees.
On top of all that, this method strengthens the muscles of the mouth and tongue which is said to help with verbal development. It also teaches them how far back food can go before it becomes a choking hazard (they learn this by gagging). All of the control is given to the child and the child learns. It also helps with motor skills. They also learn which parts of the food NOT to eat. This part is mostly instinctual in my experience. One taste of a banana peel and they know not to eat that part.
A child does not learn in the same way when they are spoon fed.
Toddlerhood and Childhood
Once your baby masters eating and is able to wean off of milk or formula, baby knows how much he or she needs to eat to feel full. This is an innate ability that we allow to develop with Baby Led Weaning.
I learned that I don’t know how my daughter’s body feels and therefore I cannot tell her when she has had enough to eat, or too little. It was really hard for me at first. Especially when I thought she wasn’t eating enough. But you know what? She has never starved. She doesn’t complain about being hungry at weird times. When she says she’s hungry, it’s an expected thing. She hasn’t ever woken up in the middle of the night asking for a snack. Sometimes she’s exceptionally ready for breakfast, but that’s as far as it has ever gone. My kids eat when they’re hungry and don’t when they’re not.
When my kids want a snack, unless I am in the middle of making a meal, the answer is always yes. They have a snack drawer in the refrigerator that is for them that they can grab out of any time they feel the need. There is also a shelf in our pantry full of easy to grab healthy snacks.
We plan to continue on this way throughout their childhood. This little bit of autonomy helps them feel in control of themselves and is a way for them to take care of themselves. That’s big for kids. It also teaches them valuable lessons about overeating or eating too much of one type of food and the consequences of that. Ex: too many plums. Y'all should know what I mean.
Educating our Kids Along the Way
I do offer guidance to my children now that they’re a little older an able to understand. We talk about the different macros and why they need to have some protein and fat and not just fruit all the time. I still let them make that choice for themselves based on what their bodies tell them they need. Today, my oldest was actually asking for a lot of meat for snack, which is unusual for her. My job is to make sure that I have food on hand for days like today. Their dietary needs change. I want them to be in tune with their bodies, to notice these changes, and ask for help if they need something that’s not in the snack drawer.
Food We Provide and Not Pressuring
We eat very clean and healthy in our home. We also eat really balanced. I do not buy junk food. If we have a “treat” it’s because I made it from scratch. It is my job to provide healthy snacks and meals for my family. I do not make separate meals. I do not have crap food in the house that they favor over healthy food. If they say they don’t want to eat something my response is always, “okay, then don’t eat it.” I do not pressure my kids in any way to eat food they are not interested in. Usually, they’ll try it anyways. Then they decide. I don’t say things like, “you haven’t even tried it!”
What I have found that works really well is exposure. If my kid doesn’t want something, I don’t stop making that thing. I always make sure I have things I know she’ll like to go along with that part of the meal. This ensures that there is always something for her to actually eat. I put a little of everything on her plate. She chooses what to eat. I don’t give her a bad time if she doesn’t finish it. Does it go to waste? Sometimes. But with enough exposure to that certain food, the chance that she’ll try it and like it within 3-5 times is pretty high. And in the rare instance that she tries it and doesn’t like it, then I know she actually doesn’t like it and we don’t put it on her plate any more. Sometimes we re-introduce previously rejected foods the same way, and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
A note about soups and other mixed up foods. Sometimes my kids reject soups. So what I do instead is take out the components of the soup, minus the broth (after it’s all cooked) and put it on their plates like a little meal. I leave the broth in the bowl because they usually like to drink it. They’ll usually eat it this way. Works well for burgers, sandwiches, etc. Take it apart and see if that helps.
Respect
It is not my job to make sure they eat the food we provide. That’s their job. Imagine me telling my husband to eat one more bite before he was allowed to leave the table. NO. That would be utter disrespect. Disrespect of him, of his body, of his needs, of his knowledge about his own self. Why is that any different that how we should be treating our kids when it comes to food? When we force one more bite, we’re teaching them to shut down the signals their bodies are giving them. We’re teaching them to ignore themselves and their instincts. DON’T DO THIS.
I would also advise against talking to them about how “well” they eat. Imagine someone telling you, as an adult, “you’re such a good eater!” Uhhhhhh…. Just let your kids eat in peace.
Rules We Do Have and Tools We Use
We have a rule that there is no eating after dinner time. Dinner time is the last opportunity for food before bed.
Breakfast is the first provided meal of the day and I make it soon enough after they wake that they don’t ask for a snack. This wasn’t always the case and they got a snack before I made breakfast and that was fine, too.
I don’t separate dessert from dinner. I don’t put foods on a pedestal. I don’t bribe with food or reward with food. When we have dessert, it goes on the plate with everything else because it is just food like everything else. As a result, they usually leave a little of the sweet on their plates.
I don’t allow snacks when I’m making a meal. This is a patience lesson for my children. And, if they’re hungry, they’ll eat a better meal this way instead of filling up on snacks. I usually get push back about this, but I give them a timeline and let them know that food is coming soon.
When they ask for something out of the ordinary, and I don’t want to give it to them (either that day or right at that moment) I tell them that’s not on the menu today or I’m not serving it right now. Like chocolate ice cream for breakfast for example.
We try to encourage utensil use. Still working on this with our youngest. She hates washing her hands after a meal, so we use that to our advantage when encouraging her to use a fork.
For the most part our kids serve their own food at dinner. At breakfast and lunch I make up plates, but dinner is more a serve your plate at the table kind of meal.
My kids have a pitcher of milk and a pitcher of water they can get their own drinks from. If it’s too heavy they ask for help (either from big sissy or one of us).
When we travel they pack little snacks in their backpacks that they can eat from anytime they feel the need. Once they’re out, then they’re out. This teaches regulation.
It’s Never Too Late
Start giving your kids more autonomy with their food. It’s never too late. Teach them, guide them, provide good food. But try to stay quiet about how or what they’re eating and let their bodies send them the signals. Once I learned to quiet my ego about what I thought my kids needed when it came to quantity of food, my stress levels reduced and I saw the beauty of what they were capable of.
I do not have picky eaters. My kids are the healthiest kids I know. And we have no food drama in our home.