Do your kids resist when you tell them to pick up their toys? To do their chores? To help out? Today, I’m going to discuss what we do to foster autonomy in our kids in regard to chores.
This is a relatively new practice in our family, as I used to believe I could coerce my children into helping out around the house. I used sticker charts, games, races, music, etc. All of those techniques worked for a time, but eventually fizzled out and lost their luster for my kids.
I recently read Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff. You can purchase it on Amazon or get it from your library. In this book she discusses how different culture’s children are natural helpers in the family and many help out without being asked. My mind was blown. I highly recommend this book, it talks about a lot of other cool parenting techniques from across the globe as well.
What I took From This Book
The reason that rewards for helping out with family tasks doesn’t work is because the motivation is external. Eventually the desire to help wears off, and since the motivation isn’t from within, rewards, bribes, and games eventually stop working as well. Asking your kids to do chores for rewards actually is thought to inhibit the development of their intrinsic motivation, or self motivation.
We want our children to develop intrinsic motivation. It’s an important skill to develop for success in life. Someone who is intrinsically motivated is likely a go-getter, self-starter, and successful individual. I wouldn’t want to hinder the development of this quality in my children. But, unknowingly, I might have been.
First Steps
I want my kids to have autonomy with cleaning up their toys. I am a very organized person and I value a clean/tidy home. My children also value tidiness in their play area, as much as kids can. But the task of cleaning up the area isn’t always their favorite thing to do. They are young and I don’t expect them to do this on their own now, but eventually I want them to. So we started having them help with clean up as soon as they were able to grasp the concept that toys get put away.
We don’t have them do a lot. We give tasks that are age appropriate and ability appropriate. But the expectation is there and they know that.
The How
Since reading that book, I have re-framed my way of thinking about how I get my kids to help. Young children are natural helpers and they WANT to help. They WANT to be a part of the team. Doucleff explains that you need to give your kids their “membership card” and LET them be a part of the family team. Sound confusing? Of course they’re a part of the team, but you need to think about how things look from the perspective of your child.
Example:
If you’re working on a task and your child comes up to you and asks “can I help?!” and you say no, then you’ve shot down your child’s desire to help.
It doesn’t matter what it is. And most of us parents say “no” to these kinds of requests, a lot. I did. Having kids help takes longer, can be messy, and sometimes we just don’t have the patience for it. The more we say no and shut them down, the more likely they’ll be to stop asking to help. Yikes.
This is where the re-frame comes in. Say yes, as long as it’s safe. Look at what your kids want to help with as a learning experience. Let them experience something new. Let them be a helper to you and boost their confidence in their abilities to be a contributing member of the team. Even if it’s something small. If it’s not safe, tell them, “this is a good time for you to watch and learn.”
When you have your kids help with things, make sure they are things that actually matter, things that actually help. Setting the table, so you don’t have to. Preparing part of a meal (see my Kids in the Kitchen post), handing you tools that you can’t easily reach, etc. Kids know when their help is valued and when the help you’re asking for is BS.
When we let our kids help, they feel like a valued part of the team. Instead of hearing “no” all the time when they ask, saying “yes” gives them their membership card and boosts their self esteem. You may need to work on your patience and allow a little extra time to complete tasks. But, seeing your kid’s eyes light up because they got to help is worth it. And the more you say yes, the better your kids will get at helping with these tasks.
But Angel, What About Chores?
Here’s the deal. When we say no to our kids all the time when they ask to help with things that seem interesting to them, why would they want to help with things that are no fun at all?
I explain to my children, often, that when we all work together and contribute to jobs together, our whole family has to do less work, chores go faster, we get to have more fun, and things are happier. You have to coach this a little.
This is also where the intrinsic motivation comes in. When I allow my children to have their “membership card” as Doucleff says, they feel like part of a bigger team. So they’re more likely to want to help out, with anything I ask of them. I am hoping that with time, this will become easier and easier. So far, it has.
Some More Tips
Admittedly, sometimes my kids still push back about cleaning up. Here are some other things I do to foster this autonomy and intrinsic motivation.
I give small, manageable jobs to my children. Instead of saying, “clean up the toys” which can seem overwhelming to a three year old, I say, “pick up the blocks and put them in the bin.” One very clear and defined task at a time. Side note, my older child doesn’t need me to do this anymore and she cleans up much more easily than her sister after using this practice on her.
I help them too. Because being a part of a cohesive team doesn’t mean I get to sit out. I don’t do much when it comes to cleaning up, but the fact that I am there, as part of their team too, helps them feel like the task isn’t overwhelming. I don’t always have to do this, either.
I assign them other small jobs around the house. My youngest clears our napkins and puts them in the laundry room after dinner while my eldest sprays and wipes down the table.
I am not a stickler about extra chores. If one of my kids asks for help with her extra small jobs, I give it if I’m able. We all need a break sometimes and I’m looking to build intrinsic motivation here, not for kids who abide just because I said so.
I talk a lot about how Mama and Daddy contribute to our family. Daddy works hard and pays for things, Mama works hard and cleans, cooks, etc. This defines our family roles and lets the kids know we’re ALL doing things for the betterment of our family, including them.
Looking Ahead
As our children grow, we hope their autonomy and intrinsic motivation will grow with them. The cool thing about this type of motivation is that it comes from within. When they feel valued, their desire to do better and better will come naturally. They’ll be internally motivated to do a better job, see jobs that need to be done, and do them because it helps out the rest of us and makes them feel good, too.