Before we dive into this, I want to remind readers that my children are still very young. We have not reached the “I don’t want to shower” puberty stage of childhood yet. Though, I imagine, that allowing children autonomy over their lives and their hygiene will help us through this phase as we reach it. Hopefully. Or maybe, because by then we’ll be so used to allowing our children their autonomy, we won’t worry about it so much.
When Do I Start Allowing Autonomy?
I tell people all of the time that there is never a wrong time to allow your kids more autonomy. Kids crave it. Whenever I try to control a situation with my kids, we often butt heads and end up upset. Am I saying you should be a pushover and allow your kids to rule the roost? Absolutely not. But I would encourage you, if you’re like me, to ask yourself if what you’re in a power struggle about is really that important? I have had to practice this A LOT.
Here’s an easy example. My daughter has recently shown interest in combing her own hair. She is tender headed like her mama, poor thing. So brushing her hair is uncomfortable for her whenever someone else does it. It doesn’t matter how gentle we are (and we are!) she always complains. I used to think that if I gave it a good brush in the morning and her dad gave it a good one at bedtime that we could keep the tangles to a minimum. Sometimes that’s true. BUT this girl is VERY active and guess what? Unless her hair is french braided, it gets tangled. So she has started taking control of it in the mornings. Her dad still brushes it at night.
When she wanted to start this, I thought, “oh but it’s going to be so tangled at the end of the day!” But the more I thought about it, it didn’t matter how tangled it would be or if she even got all the tangles out. Because what she gains from this experience is more important.
What Autonomy Teaches
When I let her take control over her hair, she feels accomplished. Taking care of ourselves is a basic human need. All kids want to be able to take care of their own needs at some point. It makes them feel empowered. So allowing her to take the reins on her morning hair is empowering to her.
It teaches her how to comb her tangles out! She has long hair and this is a life skill. It will take much longer for her to learn it if I don’t allow her to do it! This goes for most things with kids, FYI.
Some Tips on Teaching
Even though I have been brushing her hair since she was a baby, I still took the time to show her how to comb and brush out her tangles. I gave her tips about pulling it all to one side, then the other so she could reach it all. Then I showed her how to brush the back. This is VERY different than how I brush her hair. Just because your kid has seen you do it their whole life, the lessons might need to come from a different perspective for how they might need to adapt to do the same thing.
Try to only teach it once. Make sure they’re paying attention when you’re instructing them. I have learned this the hard way. When I try to teach something every day, I will get a “I KNOW MAMA!” thrown back at me. I realized I was insulting her intelligence by automatically trying to teach her again and again. Obviously you know your kid and if they need a second lesson, give it. But don’t fall into the automatic trap. I also advise giving space, when you can, to let them figure it out on their own. If they need help, they’ll likely ask.
When your kid is learning something new, don’t fix what they’ve done if you can help it. It undermines their hard work and shows them that you don’t value their contribution, even if you say nothing.
When you accept the job that they’ve done, they feel pride. And that intrinsic motivation will make them want to continue to do better next time.
Autonomy in the Actual Bathroom
Go into your kid’s bathroom. If they’re little, get down on your knees and try to use everything you need. Did your perspective change? Can you reach the sink? The towels? The soap? Can you see yourself in the mirror? If not, you might need to make some changes. We want to set our kids up for success when it comes to taking care of themselves and that might mean they need some tools.
A small potty seat to make them feel comfortable while sitting.
A stool to reach the potty and/or sink for washing.
A small towel hook low down so they can dry their hands AND put the towel back up.
A handheld shatter proof mirror within reach.
A faucet they can turn on and off. Our youngest couldn’t reach, even with a stool, so we installed a automatic faucet.
Easy to use soap, within reach.
Brushes, toothbrushes, toothpaste (if old enough), flossers, etc within reach.
Autonomy with Washing Hands
When I ask my kids to wash hands, I assume they’ll do it. Most of the time this means they run in, rinse, and dry off. Good enough for me. I don’t hover, I expect them to do it. One benefit of our automatic faucet is that it’s really loud so it’s obvious when they have (or haven’t) washed their hands.
We taught them to wash after every potty and to use soap after going poop. They adhere to this quite well since we taught them so early, expected them to do it, and left them alone to take care of that step solo, for the most part.
Autonomy with the Potty
I’m not going to write a potty post. Potty training was stressful for me (see inner controller from above). If we do it again, I will do it differently, so I have no place or desire to share potty training advice here.
Here is what I can tell you has worked for our daughters. We encourage her to wipe on her own before she calls for us. When she is finished with her business, we go in and “check” the work she’s done. This goes against my “don’t fix it rule” I know. But, in this one instance, it is important to make sure they’re clean, for obvious reasons. When she has gotten it all we tell her she’s done a good job. When not, we remind her she needs to do better. When she gets to a point that the paper is clean consistently we wean off of the parental wiping duties. When this moment comes it’s a relief for us and a very proud moment for her.
Autonomy with Tooth Brushing and Flossing
Our girls use Sonicare toothbrushes, so the toothbrush does a lot of the work for them. Early on we give them some time to “brush” their teeth before we take over to finish the job. As they get older we instruct them to touch every tooth. This does take some reminding because it’s easy to forget when you’re enjoying sucking the toothpaste off the head.
Now that they’re a little older, I give them more autonomy with their tooth brushing IN THE MORNING. My oldest brushes her teeth completely on her own in the morning, mostly on her own at night, and her dad does a final pass at night time to make sure they’re clean. Once we have confidence she’s able to do it 100% on her own, we’ll let her. Our youngest mostly sucks off the toothpaste but is starting to move the brush around. So in the morning I let her do most of the work and “check”. Her dad brushes her teeth at night. As long as they get one thorough brushing a day, I’m happy. They have excellent reports from the dentist as well.
For flossing, we use the little floss picks. While not as good as traditional floss, the girls can use them completely on their own. It sets up good habits for the long run and we happily let them take care of that for themselves.
A quick note about toothpaste. This took us a LONG time to get down because it is quite the fine motor skill to get just a little toothpaste out. Practice makes perfect. We still do this part for our youngest, but our oldest FINALLY does her own. Sometimes she’ll help out her sissy and do hers too. Our youngest really wants to do her own but she’s not there yet. So we tell he she can try when she’s a certain age, like her sissy. It gives her something to work towards. For those unfamiliar with my previous work, our toxic-free toothpaste is too expensive to waste too much of, so we let them practice a little at a time with this skill.
Autonomy with Washing the Body
As soon as my girls were able to wash their faces (water only) and rinse out their private parts, I told them it was their job. As soon as they get in the bath they do both of these things (IN THAT ORDER). We don’t wash our kids with soap because it kills the microbiome on their skin. We wash hair once a week, in the bath, and I feel that’s enough for their skin with regular water only baths. But what works for you might be different than what works for me.
However, water only is a great way to teach them how to wash their faces without getting soap in their eyes. So that when they’re older, they know how to wash without too many mishaps.
When they’re especially dirty I give them clean wash cloths and they scrub the dirt off of their skin, by themselves. If they leave any, who cares? Dirt isn’t harmful and they can get it next time. Like I said, so much more to gain from learning than getting it right every time. I wash their backs because they can’t reach.
Autonomy with Washing Hair
Now, I have two girls. Hair washing has had many ups and downs in our home and we have not ventured this with them yet. But I can give you my plan for this, which I will start implementing soon.
So far, the girls lie down in clean water to wet their hair. They love this. When it’s time to wash, I am going to start having them lather their own hair. I will rinse it because soap in the eyes is dramatic and I don’t do nasty “no tears” shampoo. Read about this in my Toxic-Free Substack. For those who are curious we now use Perma Earth Shampoo Bars. So this takes some skill in applying, which I will have them start doing once they learn to lather their hair.
As far as rinsing, we’ll get there. Baby steps.
Wrapping it Up
What I can say is that this didn’t all happen overnight for us. It has been a series of baby steps as we’ve learned, grown, adapted, and ahem, I let go of some control. My girls love being in charge of themselves and it’s nice for me not to have to battle tooth and hair brushing as much anymore. They’re more amenable to the nighttime routine when we help, as well.
Kid’s thrive off of feeling like they’re in charge of something. Even if it’s as small as combing their own hair. But they also know that we’re here if they ever need help, or a ponytail.