I used to think having an independent child was a good thing. I thought that the sooner my child could do things for herself, the better. That independence was a quality to covet, encourage, and praise.
Then I learned that what I was actually hoping for my child was autonomy. Not independence.
When I was growing up I couldn’t wait to get out of my home. Granted, it was an abusive situation and I needed to be out of there. I wanted my independence. And I started searching for it at a very young age. As a young lady, but still a child in many ways, I found my independence but it wasn’t always healthy. I was lucky and didn’t have any permanent consequences but what I have come to see now, as a grown woman, is that children should not be striving for independence. We should encourage autonomy.
What Independence Means in a Family
Independence means that an individual is not subject to control from others. They are completely unbound to any larger unit, and don’t rely on any one else’s opinions, support, or contributions.
In a family setting this means that members of the family do not rely on each other for love, care, support, or guidance. It means that they care for themselves, don’t listen to advice of their loved ones, don’t come to each other with problems, don’t talk, and aren’t a team. It’s hard to be a team when everyone is so focused on their own independence. This is not a cohesive unit. This is not a true family. There is no larger unit, there is no leader. They don’t rely on anybody and nobody relies on them.
OR
There is fear. There is pain. There are family members striving for survival and looking for cohesiveness in other places. Maybe there is a leader, but he leads with an iron fist, exacting only his will.
The search for independence in childhood can stem from many places, but I will argue that none of them come from a positive place.
What Autonomy Means for Children
When I thought I wanted my kids to be independent, what I really wanted was for them to be autonomous. Autonomy is similar to independence, but independence leaves out an important factor: the team.
An autonomous child works together with the team to learn new skills, branch out to their own interests, learn new things, and self regulate. The key here is that the child circles back to the family. Back to home base. Back to safety, security, and love. They are a part of a team, rely on the team, and the team relies on them. They help each other.
Raising autonomous children means parenting with collaboration instead of control.
Collaborative Parenting
When we work with our children to teach them skills, let them safely branch out to learn new things (with a safety net), teach them respect by showing them respect, and let them be a part of the team, we teach them to be autonomous. Children crave learning. They want to be able to brush their own teeth without help. They want to put on their own shoes and zip up their own jackets. We have to let them work on these things in order to succeed, in order to be autonomous beings who can do things for themselves.
When we work with our kids instead of trying to control them, they feel like a part of the team. When we let them help us with tasks around the house they feel like part of the team. When we take their contributions to the family seriously, without correcting them when possible, they see that they add value to the family.
Teaching this way takes more time in the short term. But in the long term the more control you hand back to the child, the more autonomous they become and the easier it gets.
Coming Up
In following publications I will explore different areas where you might practice teaching your child to be autonomous. I will show you what we do to teach our kids to be more autonomous within our family unit. I will show you how we make our girls feel like a part of the bigger team and how it has affected our family as a whole so far.